How Does a Husband Lead His Wife and Family? – Part IV

Follow this link to read How Does a Husband Lead His Wife and Family? – Part III.

9. Leading in decision-making. I have left this topic until the end of this article for a specific reason. I believe decision-making is one of the most difficult aspects of the husband-wife relationship. The reason it is so difficult is that if you are not taking godly leadership in the previous issues, then your wife will not respect you as head in decision-making. After many years of counseling, I have come to the conclusion that this is a true equation.

However, if you take the leadership in loving, initiating, being an example in your spiritual walk, in ministry to your wife and children, by your moral lifestyle and service; then most wives will have no problem in submitting to your leadership in decision-making. Why? Because she trusts your spiritual insight, your care for her, and your ability to make unselfish decisions.

She has already seen your leadership in a multitude of other issues. Therefore, first make the decision that you truly want to be the head of your home in all these areas before you tackle the decision-making arena. If your wife is refusing to submit to your headship in the home, determine if you are exhibiting leadership in all these other areas.

How is true biblical leadership worked out in decision-making? I suggest as the head of your home that you should first get all the information needed to make a good decision. Solomon warned, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise” (Prov. 12:15). “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him” (Prov. 18:13). Do you seek out all the important information first? Do you hear all sides of an issue before you decide? Complete information is critical to all good decision-making.

Next, allow love to give you sensitivity and concern for other’s interests rather than your own. Paul said, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4). Are you considering the best interest of your wife and family or just what is easiest for you? The easiest way is not always the wisest way.

In addition, do you look for ways to compromise to enable you to find the middle ground with your wife? Your way will not always be the right or best way. However, finding agreement is not always possible, especially if the issue involves clear moral or biblical issues. If the issues do not involve clear moral or biblical principles then compromise is always a good way to find agreement.

The best example of an issue where you should not dictate but find agreement is in your sexual relationship. Concerning this issue Paul said, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:3-5). The word consent in this passage means agreement, and therefore, God is encouraging finding a middle ground with your mate.

Paul declared that there are things in the Christian life that can be a point of contention, but in fact have no spiritual or moral benefit whatsoever.  He explained to the Corinthian church that “food does not commend us to God; for neither if we eat are we the better, nor if we do not eat are we the worse” (1 Cor. 8:8). This was a serious point of contention among the believers in this church. Consequently, he encouraged these Christians to find a simple compromise by choosing to lovingly restrain their desires and not take any action that might stumble their brothers and sisters (1 Cor. 8:9).

Most of the issues that couples disagree over reside within these peripheral areas. These are the issues in which you need to find compromise. Frequently I talk with couples who have explosive arguments over such things as: how will money be spent, how much discipline will be meted out to a child, or what the family will do on vacation. I am sure that if you unselfishly purpose to love, you can find a compromise and agreement over such issues.

If there is not agreement with your wife over what you believe is the correct decision, ask the Lord for insight and sincerely weigh what your wife has said. If there is no need for a quick decision it would be good to wait and consider the matter more fully in the Word, prayer, and counsel if necessary. If there is still no agreement after this process then in the final analysis it is your decision as the head of your home.

Taking the leadership at this point is essential to keep your home from a stalemate and consequently inaction. But, remember your family has to live with your decision. So, choose wisely. Always consider that you will have to give account one day to God for your decisions. Why? You must give account because you are the head of your home or the chief responsible one. Is this not an awesome and fearful responsibility?

One last thought: There are times when you should not listen to your wife and she has no responsibility to listen to or submit to you. When would this ever be the correct response? When either one of you asks the other spouse to do something immoral. You should never listen to or submit to a request to do evil. Both husbands and wives have told me that their mate has asked them to lie on their tax return, to be involved in wife swapping, to cheat someone in business, or do something that was illegal. It should be obvious that these things are evil, and you should not participate in them.

This article has been republished with permission by COVENANT KEEPERS © 1997