With God all things are possible
~Matthew 19:26
The last time I was able to wrap my arms around my adult son he was getting out of the passenger side of my car. I leaned over to hug him, knowing that evening he would be sleeping under a bridge or in a Laundromat or in a halfway house shelter if they had room. I could have taken him home with me; he could have slept on my sofa. Yet for us that option had long ago been exhausted. He got out of my car and I drove away, however I was only able to drive a few blocks before the tears in my eyes made it impossible for me to see. I had to pull over on the side of the road and weep.
That night, my son turned himself in to the authorities, tired of running from numerous outstanding warrants. By the time Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children is published, he will be serving out his sentence in a State Prison. He is 36 years old.
My mothers’ heart is broken—it has been broken for many years. I ache for a relationship with my son that is “normal,” yet I’m not sure what normal is. I’m not sure I would know normal if it stared me in the face. The past few years things have gotten considerably more painful regarding my relationship with my adult son, if that could even be possible. Why? Because I made a choice to change my life—I made a choice to stop accepting responsibility for the choices my son was making, allowing him to fully experience the consequences of his actions.
This change in my behavior has brought consequences that varies from peace to panic. I wish I could say when we begin to set healthy boundaries that our lives will be instantly transformed to pleasurable places of peace and tranquility. However, that’s not likely to happen.
On the contrary, things are likely to blow up all around you. That’s why it’s imperative that we look at all of the possible consequences, insofar as we are able, to prepare ourselves for any scenario once we begin responding differently to the choices our adult children make.
When we stop accepting the consequences for the actions of our adult children the results can vary greatly. For some, the outcome may barely register as a blip on the radar of life, for others it may be a catastrophic jolt of seismic proportion. When their hand is forced, some adult children may choose to get the professional help they so desperately need and do what it takes to turn around their lives. Yet others may die from drugs, violence, or criminal behavior. It’s difficult to write that, let alone consider it as a possible consequence. So varied are the possibilities—is it any wonder we are afraid to rock the boat? Is it any wonder we have perpetuated the insanity and allowed things to get so bad?
We must be willing to set healthy and appropriate boundaries, and to accept the consequences of those choices, whatever they may be. Deciding to parent differently is a key ingredient in making the changes needed to stop our enabling behavior. It’s never too late to parent differently. It’s never too late to turn around—remember, God Allows U-Turns!
And who knows but that the changes we make may be the catalyst to help our adult children make positive changes as well. Who knows but that when we stop trying to be God in the lives of our adult children, they just might find God.
Allison Bottke is an award-winning, best selling inspirational author of 29 published non-fiction and fiction books, including the acclaimed Setting Boundaries® series from Harvest House Publishers. She is also the founder and general editor of over a dozen volumes in the popular God Allows U-Turns® anthology. A frequent guest on national radio and TV programs, including Focus on the Family, The 700 Club, Family Talk, TBN, and Good Morning Texas, Allison also has a passion to help writers achieve their dreams, and she has served on the faculty at many national writing conferences, such as Jerry B. Jenkins Writing for the Soul, Blue Ridge Christian Writers, Roaring Lambs, Seattle Pacific, and others. To find out more about the popular Setting Boundaries® book series.
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