Healthy Heart—Healthy Boundaries

One day, I noticed a repetitive theme in several TV programs I watched.

First, there was a poignant episode of Touched by an Angel featuring an alcoholic mother faced with difficult choices when confronted by her adult daughter in a tough love intervention. Then, there was an unsettling episode of Dr. Phil where two parents shared their fear of being murdered by their only child in a segment titled Teenage Rage.

Two entirely different programs with similar core truths—hearts were being broken and drastic consequences were imminent if new boundaries weren’t established immediately—if something didn’t radically change.

How do we find strength and wisdom to make choices that change our lives—where do we start?

True change begins at the core of who we are—inside our heart.

We have a very intricate life-support system created by a brilliant God—a system that depends on a healthy heart at the command center of it all. Just as a car needs an engine, our body needs a beating heart. And as such, our attitudes, thoughts and choices must come from a powerful engine that is pumping hopeful, loving and positive energy into every breath we take—not running on toxic thoughts, fears, memories, or experiences that poison the tender center of who we are as children of God.

If the engine analogy doesn’t work for you, think of your heart like a seed that will eventually produce fruit (or not.)

Women who put their faith and trust in God must understand that a bountiful harvest of life begins with a fertile seed—a healthy heart.

No matter how we look at it, as daughters of the King it is our responsibility to keep our engine tuned up—to nurture the seed—to guard and protect the heart at the center of it all.

Wisdom for the Heart

One of the reasons we get caught up on the gerbil-wheel of insanity—repeating the same behavior and expecting different results, is often a result of not taking into account one of the most important scriptures in the Bible—a key point of wisdom from the Book of Proverbs.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

~ Proverbs 4:23 NIV

God used this powerful Scripture to change my life during the years when my heart as a mother was broken from the choices my adult son was making. It was this Scripture that set me on a course to gain the strength I would need to make tough-love choices in my relationship with him, and begin to more fully develop my personal relationship with the Lord. It eventually led me to write Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children; Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents, the first book in the Setting Boundaries® Series.

God continues to use the core message of Proverbs 4:23 to give me fresh insight and revelation, and to mold me into the person He wants me to be.

To illustrate this nugget of life-changing wisdom, let’s look at that same verse from several other Bible versions.

New Living Translation (NLT)

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

King James Version (KJV)

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

Complete Jewish Bible (CJB)

Above everything else, guard your heart; for it is the source of life’s consequences.

The wording in the NLT has powerful implications. Think about it, when something determines the course of your life, it’s pretty significant—don’t you agree? The CJB version is compelling in its use of the word, consequences, and the KJB aptly sums it up, for out of it are the issues of life.

No matter the translation, all share the same basic truth—if we don’t protect our heart we’re in for a world of hurt.

In this important Scripture, God is telling us to put a boundary around our heart—not a wall that keeps others out—but a protective boundary that guards the very place where God lives—allowing everything we do to flow from it.

Life will never be pain-free, and the call to guard our heart should never be misconstrued as a way to justify selfish motivation, or to retreat from experiencing life in order to stay safe. The true meaning is to guard our heart against the deception of the world, the lies of the enemy, and the negative and harmful desires of the flesh, so that whatever flows out of our heart and into the lives of others comes from a good and loving central core…from a healthy heart…a heart that is passionate for Christ and the truth of His Word.

We obey the call to guard our heart when we truly surrender our heart.

Healthy Boundaries = Healthy Heart

In my journey to understand the significance of setting healthy boundaries in my boundary-challenged life, I learned that until I took responsibility for my own heart, true change in my relationship with my adult son would never happen. I needed to stop my enabling patterns and understand my motivations and emotions before change could happen in my relationship with my son. God impressed on me that I needed to focus on repairing my own heart in accordance with His will and teaching, only then would I find the hope, peace and knowledge to make the difficult choices and changes I needed to make.

For those of us who are in any way boundary-challenged, we’re often so caught up in the drama, chaos and crisis that unclear or violated boundaries can bring to our life, that we have neglected to obey God and sometimes find it difficult to hear His voice. Even so, no matter the circumstances, God’s Word tells us, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

Set Boundaries and Find SANITY

The S.A.N.I.T.Y. steps are tools that help us guard our heart, get a right relationship with God, and a right relationship with others in our life.

When we filter all aspects of life through the lens of faith, and through a strong heart governed by God—everything we do flows from that healthy perspective. When we set healthy boundaries in all areas of our life, we can make wise, rational and godly choices that enable us to treat ourselves and others in authentic and loving ways that bring honor and glory to God.

Allison Bottke is an award-winning, best selling inspirational author of 29 published non-fiction and fiction books, including the acclaimed Setting Boundaries® series from Harvest House Publishers. She is also the founder and general editor of over a dozen volumes in the popular God Allows U-Turns® anthology. A frequent guest on national radio and TV programs, including Focus on the Family, The 700 Club, Family Talk, TBN, and Good Morning Texas, Allison also has a passion to help writers achieve their dreams, and she has served on the faculty at many national writing conferences, such as Jerry B. Jenkins Writing for the Soul, Blue Ridge Christian Writers, Roaring Lambs, Seattle Pacific, and others. To find out more about the popular Setting Boundaries® book series.