I Already Know You

An audacious statement on my part?  I don’t know your name or what you look like. But here is what I do know… and it may shock you… “I know you, and I know your story.” There’s a song called, “I’m Every Woman,” and in many ways, I can relate to every woman.

I know the bondage of self-hatred and the despair of wanting to find anything to make the pain stop. I know what the wounds of your life are like because I’ve either lived it or I counseled a woman who has. The common denominator we share is forged through shame and suffering.

I understand the internal wars you wage against yourself, the pain it creates, and the damaging things you’ve done to try to escape your pain. If my written words could reach out and give you a hug, that’s what I would be doing right now… reaching out to embrace you right where you are and encouraging you to make the same choices that led me to hope and healing.

Externally, we may have nothing in common, yet my life journey includes; a battle with depression and anxiety since childhood, recovery from addiction, an unfaithful husband, a painful divorce after twenty years, moving with my three children to start fresh, grieving over my prodigal teenager, years of helping my chronically ill child, worries over jobs, finances and the death of seven family members in only two and a half years. I understand.

You don’t have to stay trapped in the chains of shame or pass the generational wounds on to your children. The answer is a process of learning to turn to Christ for relief from shame, because turning inward will only produce more shame. If we are willing to follow him, God has provided a way out of our inner darkness.

“They looked to him and grew radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.”

~ Psalm 34:5

Shame always produces shame.

If parents are filled with shame, they will pass it along to the next generation. You learn to feel deep shame about “who you are” when a parent neglects or abuses you—emotionally, verbally, spiritually, physically, or sexually. Also, caregivers who are actively trapped in addiction have no emotional inheritance to offer their children except a legacy of hopelessness and shame.

You can feel shamed by relatives, your peer group, society, and even your church. Shame becomes like an unidentified virus on the hard drive of your brain, and invades every area of your life.

Please stay.

My greatest fear has been abandonment. I have sacrificed my own well being by unknowingly choosing relationships with unhealthy people who were not capable of loving anyone. I kept inviting the same type of shaming people into my life with the unconscious hope that if I could “earn their love and approval,” it would heal the wounds of past rejections. The “cure” I sought just increased my suffering.

In working so hard to be a “people pleaser,” I devalued myself, because I gave other people the power to define me. If you liked me, I was valuable. If you were angry or disapproved of me, I saw myself as a failure. I landed straight into the painful, chaotic role of the “victim.”

Let the healing begin.

“Where there is no wise counsel, people fall;
but in a multitude of counselors there is safety.”

~ Proverbs 11:14

When a virus invaded my computer, programs stopped and data vanished. I had no idea what to do, so I reached out for help and asked a professionally trained “techie” friend to help remove the virus and prevent it from spreading and damaging the entire system.

Like a virus on the hard drive, shame can be removed. It took time for me to recognize the shameful lies I believed about myself. I had to learn to “reprogram my beliefs” with the truth. I had to humble myself and invite God to help me, the same way a friend helped with my computer. God loves me, He sees my heart, and He longs for me (and you) to walk in the light of His truth.

It is a lie to believe vulnerability is a weakness.

No wonder shame made me afraid of afraid of intimate relationships. There is a deep fear that if someone found out how messed up I really was, they would abandon me. When I struggled with shame I viewed others as “normal,” acceptable and lovable. I saw myself as flawed, damaged and different.

The first huge step in my healing from shame was in learning that vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. When other people were vulnerable with me, I felt honored, and even closer to them. Yet, I avoided opening up because my shame said I would be rejected again.

Changing for me meant finding a support group to “go public” with my shame. Grace flooded over me when not a single person gasped while I shared my story. There was such an overwhelming feeling of safety to be with others who raised their hands, smiled at me, and said, “Me too.”

Ask God to give you the strength to be courageous enough to find a wise counselor, a trusted friend or a support group to share with. You will find you are not flawed and you are not alone. It’s amazing how the shameful secrets lose power once they come to light. There is healing in learning that many other people have done/said/felt the same way. It’s time to stop hiding and pursue a restored and healed heart.

“A heart at peace gives life.”

~ Proverbs 14: 30

Yes, Cynthia is an experienced Christian counselor; a compelling speaker; and the inspiring author of “Deceived By Shame, Desired By God,”— but it’s her heart that will reach you; a heart that knows full well what it is to be broken and then restored.

Her transparency captures her listeners, speaks to their pain, and leaves them with new hope that they too can be set free. She shares what she knows firsthand: It is from broken hearts that God shapes His most beautiful mosaic masterpieces.

Learn more about Cynthia on her website!