4. Make time. Many times couples say to me that they just don’t have time to develop better communication. Personally, I believe this is just another good sounding excuse. I say this because we all had plenty of time to communicate when we were dating each other; why not now? The problem is not needing more time, but making better use of the time we have. I tell people almost every week, “You will never find the time to communicate, you must make the time to talk to one another.” You always make time to do what is most important to you. If you want to see a basketball game don’t you set the time aside to go? Once you’ve made the time, don’t you refuse the other invitations you receive? Likewise, making the time for each other is a similar choice to do something you consider important. The Father made a choice to communicate His love all throughout history by sending His prophets and angels. Ultimately, “in the fullness of time” God sent His Son as a testimony that you were important to Him and so you would know that He truly cared (Gal. 4:4). Therefore, when you choose to make time to communicate, you are demonstrating your desire to love. Communication is, therefore, simply a choice to love.
Are you loving your spouse on a daily basis? Do you take the time to sit down with your spouse and talk about how your day went? If you do, your behavior is telling your partner that he or she is very important to you. If you fail to make time for fellowship you are communicating just the opposite message.
5. Reduce your distractions. In order to make more time to communicate, you must also determine what things are consuming your time. What are the things that distract you from communication with your spouse?
What kind of distractions am I referring to? There are many. Some individuals have the TV on day and night. Why not try turning it off for just one hour after dinner so you can sit and talk to each other? Try it and you will find that even the kids will come in and sit with you.
For the workaholics who come home late or bring work home, why not set several nights aside where you choose to come home on time and leave all the work at the office? Wouldn’t it be great to have dinner together with your mate and children?
If you are distracted by nightly commitments to sports or hobbies for yourself or even your children, why not reduce those commitments, or drop the children off one night and go out with your loved one for a date? Whatever distraction is keeping you from communicating with your mate, change it! If you want to establish and maintain real communication and friendship this is what it will take. Remember, your number one priority must be to enjoy oneness and companionship with your spouse (Gen. 2:18). This is the biblical priority. Don’t let other things distract you from what is most important!
6. Dates and recreation. Can you remember back to when you first dated each other and the hours you spent together doing fun things? What was the fruit of that time together? Didn’t you naturally grow in your friendship and ultimately your romantic desire for each other? Why did this occur? Wasn’t it because during those times together you shared your common ideas, which built up a strong bond between you? Communication is always the fruit of dating and recreation time together.
The best biblical example of this truth is found in the Song of Solomon. As you read this story it is quite obvious that Solomon and his wife had a very open, intimate, and expressive communication with each other. The question is, how did they get this kind of relationship? The answer is found as you read the account; they did many things together. Solomon visited his wife while she was away in the mountains (Song of S. 2:8-9). They also went on trips together to Lebanon and other villages (4:8; 7:11). They would take walks together to smell the flowers (2:10-14). In this passage note how they talked while they were together. Solomon’s wife declared, “Let me see your countenance, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your countenance is lovely” (v 14). Enjoyable communication was the result of these special times together.
When is the last time you went off alone with your spouse for a drive together or a walk around your neighborhood for some exercise? If you want to develop your communication here is one way to do it. Why not set time aside for a date this week or a night away by yourselves? Try it and see how it improves your communication.
7. Prayer together. Prayer is another very important tool in encouraging deeper communication within a marriage. You may be thinking, How could prayer affect our communication? It’s very simple. When you pray with your spouse, you communicate the things that are most important to you. You will say things to the Lord in prayer that you won’t ordinarily say in normal conversation with your spouse. When you share your most intimate secrets with your most intimate partner you can’t help but be drawn closer together. Honesty and openness like this will naturally stir up more communication.
When King David described his prayer life he said, “Out of the depths I have cried to You, O LORD” (Psalm 130:1). The Psalms are a powerful example of a man sharing his honest hopes, fears, and troubles with a God that he knew loved him. What is your reaction as you come into contact with the depth of David’s heart? Don’t you identify with his struggles and aren’t you drawn to love this man? Similarly, if you will pray together and pour out your heart to God in the presence of your spouse, you will also be drawn together into a deep sense of understanding and love.
Don’t let your fear, pride, or self-sufficiency keep you from joining your mate in prayer. Seek out your loved one and invite him or her to come and wait upon the Lord with you. As you do, your communication will surely grow.
If you would like more information on the marriage ministry of Pastor Steve Carr or his book Married and How To Stay That Way, visit www.covenantkeepers.org
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