Issues for parents to consider
1. Agree on discipline. One of the great struggles that blended families deal with are how to handle the children. Philosophies of how to discipline, when to discipline, partiality in discipline, and the mixture of two different parenting styles often give rise to conflicts that can be quite intense.
Finding solutions concerning discipline requires that you both sit down and calmly discuss your views of discipline and parenting. Make a list of where you agree and disagree. When you discover areas where you don’t agree, discuss possible ways in which to compromise with your spouse.
Remember that God wants you to find agreement with your spouse on the issue of parenting and discipline. Jesus was emphatic when He taught His disciples, “Agree quickly with your adversary” (Matt. 5:25). Agreement with someone you have a conflict with is not an option; it’s a command.
Failure to obey this command will create great heartache and disunity in your home. The best way to keep your spouse from becoming your adversary is to find a mutually agreed upon compromise before either parent disciplines again.
If you fail to find this agreement with each other, the children will sense this division and will exploit it, which will only create more conflict. Therefore, don’t discipline unless both parents are enthusiastically in favor of the decision. If you can’t come to an agreement, don’t do anything.
Tell your child or teen that you haven’t decided what the discipline will be. Then return to the discussion table with your spouse, keep praying, and if need be, seek counsel from your pastor or other experienced parents for possible solutions.
It greatly pleases the Lord when you seek agreement with your mate because it creates greater love and respect within the marriage. It simply takes two willing parents that will take the time and make the effort to find the compromise. Why not start today?
Last, be sure to have these discussions with your spouse in private. You don’t need the added confusion of the children’s input in these talks.
2. My children vs. your children. How do you see the children of your spouse? Are they separated into the category of “your kids – my kids”? Do you hear these words coming from your lips? Or, do you consider all the children “ours?” This point may seem insignificant or unimportant to some, but it has a profound effect upon how you relate to the children in general and the effectiveness you will have in reconciling conflicts.
The biblical principles that instruct us not to show favoritism and to demonstrate fairness must govern your thoughts on this subject. There is an excellent principle taught under the Old Covenant that applies well. When a man had two wives and loved one more than the other, he was commanded not to show favoritism to the children of his loved wife or reject the other children when it came time to give out the inheritance (Deut. 21:15-17).
This command revealed that all children within these blended families were to be treated fairly. The father was to follow the natural birth order without partiality. Therefore, as a parent you must not prefer one child to another. You must have one standard for all (Prov. 24:23).
The same thing is true for us spiritually. For most of us who are Gentiles, we have been adopted into the family of God and have an equal standing with the natural children, the Jews. The kingdom of God is one giant blended family. Most importantly, God has placed “no difference” between us (Rom. 3:22). Therefore, don’t create a difference between your children and your mate’s. If you do, you will be creating a separation that will only divide you further. If God makes us one Body in Christ, shouldn’t you seek to be one family too?
3. Don’t be used. Many times couples come to me with stories of children that are using their own parent to get back at the new stepparent. This problem occurs for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s because the child doesn’t like the changes that have taken place in the family. At other times it’s because of the new restrictions placed upon a child, or perhaps the child simply does not like the new parent.
I have even had some children admit to me in counseling that they would like to see the couple split up because this would allow everything to go back to the way it was. This problem must be guarded against at all cost and with all diligence. Your marriage and the harmony of your family depend on it.
To solve this problem, you must first determine, to the best of your ability, why the child is attempting to divide you. Is it jealousy because the child perceives that he or she is not being loved as before? Is it a power struggle over not wanting the restrictions this new parent has initiated? Is it selfish resentment because the child has lost influence over his or her parent?
You must objectively discuss all the possibilities with your spouse. Try to look for the common denominators in each of the conflicts that have occurred. Then discuss your conclusions with your child in a direct, honest, and loving way. Paul said, “Speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). You can’t beat this advice. Then pray for the conviction of the Holy Spirit to touch the child’s heart. Let God do His work in the child’s heart.
Also, be sure that as you tell your child that his or her attempt to undermine your relationship is unacceptable, communicate your love and your desire to have a happy family. When most children realize that you’ve figured out what they are attempting to do, they will stop.
Click here if you missed Pastor Steve Carr’s Understanding How to Blend Your Family – Part I
If you would like more information on the marriage ministry of Pastor Steve Carr or his book Married and How To Stay That Way, please visit Covenant Keepers
Excerpt republished with permission from Covenant Keepers by Pastor Steve Carr, Copyright 2013
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