One of the most important places to begin an examination of effective parenting is to first determine what your goals are for your children. Do you have biblical or more humanistic goals? All parents have goals for their children, but are these goals biblically correct? Your parental goals are what you are trying to accomplish and achieve in your children’s lives.
Now you may be wondering if setting a goal is in itself biblical. Absolutely! Paul commanded us as believers to pursue the highest goal. What is this highest and most important goal? He declared,
Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do,
forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,
I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Phil. 3:13-14
In the context of this passage, Paul reveals what his goals are and then what our goals should be.
He wanted to know Christ and the power of His resurrection
and to become conformed into Christ’s likeness so that he might attain the resurrection from the dead.
Phil. 3:10-11
These are truly worthy goals for every believer to pursue! Therefore, if you set personal goals for your Christian life, then you must also determine biblical goals for your parenting.
In setting these goals, it is very important that both husbands and wives agree. Mutual goals will produce success and help you to avoid working at cross purposes. There may be goals that are good, but these may not necessarily be primary goals. What do I mean by this? Is your goal to have happy and financially successful children when they grow up, or is your goal that they have a specific occupation? These goals in themselves are not wrong, but they are not the highest biblical goals that God reveals in His Word. Therefore, consider what your highest biblical goals should be.
What are the biblical goals for parenting?
1. Your primary goal should be to lead your children to Christ.
The most fundamental goal of parenting is that your child should come into a personal relationship with Christ. God’s desire is that everyone would be saved. The Apostle Peter explained that this was and is God’s highest goal. Peter explained that, “The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9). Therefore, leading your child to repentance is the primary parenting goal, which enables all the other goals to be accomplished.
Consequently, when your children are old enough to understand the truth of the gospel, will you lead them in a prayer of repentance? Or will you leave this responsibility to the church Sunday school ministry, or some other family member? Personally leading my children to Christ was more important to me than all the rest of my ministry. I remember praying as a young parent and told the Lord I considered the greatest success of my life and ministry to see my children in heaven one day. Do you see your life and ministry to your children this way?
2. Your goal must be to disciple them.
The Bible teaches that as His disciples we are all called to make disciples. Jesus said to His disciples just before His ascension, “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matt. 28:19-20). Therefore, the first disciples you want to make should be your children.
In our church when children come of age and the fathers are believers, we ask these dads to publically baptize their own children at our local beach. This enables these fathers to take their place as the spiritual leader in their home. This is also an important spiritual example to the children that their father believes the commands of Christ and is willing to demonstrate his faith in public.
3. Disciple your children in such a way as to encourage them to put their hope in the Lord.
Hope in God is what draws your children to Him, and what enables them to obey and follow Him all of the days of their lives. Note what the divine author stated as the responsibility of fathers in Psalm 78. He declares,
“For He established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel,
which He commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children;
they may set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep His commandments;
and may not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation,
a generation that did not set its heart aright, and whose spirit was not faithful to God”
Psalm 78:5-8
Notice that the ultimate end of the father’s instruction to his children is that they might set their hope in God, so they would not be a stubborn and rebellious individual. But, you will naturally ask how does a father achieve this outcome? That brings me to your next goal.
4. Train your children in the faith.
Teaching and training your children is one of your primary jobs as a parent. This is also clearly indicated in Psalm 78:5, which I quoted above. The New Testament makes this responsibility equally clear. Paul said, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). The word training in this verse means to educate or instruct. The word admonition means to discipline, warn or reprove.
Therefore, what is your plan to educate and train your children? When and how will you train them in the ways of the Lord? Will you fulfill your responsibility or will you relinquish your calling to the church Sunday school? If training your children is truly your goal, then you must have a plan.
5. Teach them discipline.
True discipline begins with a respect for your authority as you teach, warn, and reprove your children. This submission to authority is clearly taught by Paul the apostle when He declared, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Eph. 6:1). The word obey in this verse means to heed authority. If your children do not learn to respect authority, they will struggle with submitting to all authority and especially to the authority of God. Note that Jesus was both submitted to the Father and to His parents (Luke 2:51).
As you teach and discipline your children, they ultimately will become self-controlled and self-disciplined. This is one of the fundamental goals for all discipleship. The Apostle Peter said, “But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness” (2 Peter 1:5-6).
The final goal of discipline is that your children learn to make independent decisions without direction from you. This was the reason that Solomon wrote the proverbs to his son (Prov. 1:1-10). Solomon wanted to instruct his son that he might learn the fear of the Lord and not be enticed by sinners.
6. Lead your children into the fear of God.
How do you lead your children into the fear of the Lord? The fear of the God is primarily accomplished by teaching your children the word of God. Moses explained to the people of God exactly how this should be done. He said, “Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren, especially concerning the day you stood before the Lord your God in Horeb, when the Lord said to me, ‘Gather the people to Me, and I will let them hear My words, that they may learn to fear Me all the days they live on the earth, and that they may teach their children.’ ” (Deut. 4:9-10).
There are two very important principles in this passage. First, teaching the Scriptures is what allows your children to hear God’s Word directly from Him, just as the children of Israel heard. The second principle is that you must share your personal experience with your children, just as the Jews explained the moment that they stood before God at Mount Horeb and saw His great power manifested before them. Have you ever shared your personal conversion experience with your children? Explain to them how you were saved from your sin and how He has changed your life.
7. Your ultimate goal must be to see your children’s hearts changed.
If you follow all of the above principles, this will give you the best opportunity to see their hearts changed. What do you want for your children – behavior modification, or a changed heart? You can pressure, manipulate, and force your children to do what you want, but this will not bring a changed heart. Notice the goal that is clearly stated in Psalm 78:8.
God wants your children to set their hearts aright, not just have behavior modification or external change. Jesus clearly recognized that the Pharisees had behavior modification, but their hearts were far from Him (Mark 7:6). He understood that the heart of man must be changed if God was ever to be enthroned in their hearts. The heart is the source of all that is good or evil (Matt. 15:19). This is why you are commanded in Scripture: “Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it spring the issues of life” (Prov. 4:23).
If you would like more information on the marriage ministry of Pastor Steve Carr or his book Married and How To Stay That Way, please visit Covenant Keepers
Excerpt republished with permission from Covenant Keepers by Pastor Steve Carr, Copyright 2013
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