What happens when your husband or wife refuses to acknowledge his or her fault?
This is part four of a series on forgiving your spouse by Pastor Steve Carr. Part three can be found here.
What forgiveness does not mean:
1. Forgiveness does not mean that reconciliation is automatic. Just because you forgive your spouse in your heart does not mean that everything is reconciled between you. Choosing to forgive in your heart is only where the process begins. You now need to speak to your spouse and tell him or her that you are hurt and offended. Jesus said, “…if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15). Your mate may already know there is a breach between you, but if not, you need to verbalize it with the motivation of seeking reconciliation. Jesus also said in another place that once you have spoken to the person who has offended you, “…if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3).
This is a second aspect of forgiveness; the verbal granting of forgiveness to the offending party. This should only be given when your spouse acknowledges his or her fault and asks for your forgiveness. Then you can verbally declare to him or her, “I forgive you.” You are only able to verbally grant this forgiveness because you have already forgiven in your heart.
Notice, the Scripture doesn’t require someone to merely say, “I’m sorry.” Being sorry is only half of the reconciliation process. A person can be sorry that the problem has occurred, but sorrow must be coupled with a request for forgiveness and repentance. When you ask for a person’s forgiveness you are asking this individual to make a choice to obey God’s command and to make the same promise to you as I described above. This is much more than a simple acknowledgment that you are sorry.
But, you ask, “What happens when your husband or wife refuses to acknowledge his or her fault?” Should you still verbally tell your mate that you forgive him or her? Absolutely not; simply because the offense is not reconciled. Even though you have forgiven from the heart, there cannot be complete reconciliation until your spouse acknowledges his or her fault. Save any verbal granting of forgiveness until this occurs. Let me give you an example of why this is the biblical response.
Consider for a moment the redemption of the world through the death of Jesus Christ. When Jesus was being put to death He prayed, “…Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34). There upon the cross Jesus purchased the means of forgiveness for the whole world. Through the shedding of His blood Christ “obtained eternal redemption” (Hebrews 9:12). “God was in Christ reconciling the world unto Himself” (2 Corinthians 5:19). But, does this mean that all men are actually forgiven and reconciled with God? Surely not. For complete reconciliation to occur between man and God, a person must acknowledge and repent of his sin and ask God’s forgiveness. Only then does God grant the forgiveness He has already determined in His heart. The same thing will be true in your marriage relationship. Forgiveness cannot be verbally granted until there is an honest acknowledgment of fault and a request for pardon.
2. Forgiveness is never deserved. No one deserves forgiveness. You didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness when He pardoned you, nor can you ever deserve it by any good work you do in the future. God completely canceled your debt simply because of His mercy, erasing it from your account forever.
Likewise, you must not wait until you believe that your spouse deserves your forgiveness before you grant it. He or she will never be perfect nor never fail in the future anymore than you will be flawless. Don’t set up a standard that he or she can never reach before you think complete forgiveness is deserved. You are required to “be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful” (Luke 6:36). You can never deserve mercy. It’s a gift given freely from the heart. Therefore, cultivate mercy and you will learn to fully and freely forgive.
3. Forgiveness does not mean you condone what your spouse has done. Many think that when they repeatedly forgive an offense that they are communicating to their spouse that the transgressions are excusable or all right. Is this true? Of course not. If this were true, then, when God forgives you over and over again, it would mean that He also condones sin, and this is definitely not the case. When God forgives you repeatedly, He is communicating to you His love and commitment to show mercy. Yet, God also hates sin. It repulses and offends Him, but He still forgives it. This is why Jesus asked the woman taken in the act of adultery to “go and sin no more”(John 8:11). God expects a change of lifestyle when He forgives, because this is what true repentance is all about. If He didn’t require a change of attitude and action from us, God would be condoning our sin.
Therefore, in your martial conflicts if you hate what has occurred between you, forgive, and then require changes that will keep this problem from happening again. This is what Paul called the “works befitting repentance” (Acts 26:20). To see these changes will entail some serious conversations in which you should discuss practical solutions. You also may need to get some counseling from your pastor. There are solutions to every conflict that divides you and your spouse, if you are willing to search them out. Refusing to forgive and holding resentment in your heart is not part of any solution and will only create more problems. Forgiveness is the first step to seeing these changes become a reality. So, don’t miss the blessings God has in store for your marriage by being unforgiving. “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy” (Matthew 5:7).
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