“You can custom order a beautiful Easter bouquet, an outside carpet to fit your patio, and a low fat, vegan, lactose free meal. So why not order the mother you’ve always wanted? Where the maternal is concerned – a collection of mothers is the way to go.” Martha Beck, O Magazine
Mothers (and stand-in mother substitutes) are essential to our social, emotional and every other kind of well-being. Unfortunately, motherhood is so difficult that virtually no one mothers perfectly and some are spectacular failures!
Maybe your mother was flawless, but it is more likely she made mistakes. Maybe she was distracted by other concerns: finances, illness, alcoholism, her own personal mother baggage.
My story had its ups and downs. My brother was 2 ½ when I was born. My family wanted me to be a girl – and I was! I was pampered and adored until I was 6 months old. Suddenly – my mother was diagnosed with TB and was immediately sent away to a Tuberculosis Sanitarium in upstate New York
For the next 3 years I was looked after by various grandparents, maiden aunts and housekeepers. They would come and go. When my mother finally returned, our bonding had been severely disrupted. Despite her enthusiasm and desire – that broken bond was never entirely repaired.
Not her fault. Not her intent. But it happened.
“Mother wounds” last long into adulthood, creating their own “legacy of sorrow.” To the extent your mother was imperfect, whatever her errors, you may have some “mother holes” still left to be filled.
Perhaps you could consider some new aspects of Mothering. Maybe you can mail-order a Mom made specifically for your needs
Step One: Think of Mother as a verb.
If your image of mother is restricted to one mortal woman, it will inevitably prove insufficient to guide and comfort you through all of life’s storms. Thinking of the word “mother” not as a noun but as a verb (as in “to mother”) helps change your internal definitions so that you can stop looking to a human female for perfect parenting and begin to identify your mother models as anyone who offers you maternal care.
To do this, you must find real people who can model the behavior you wish you had found in your biological mom. Then deliberately soak up the lessons they have to teach you.
You are being mothered when anyone offers you one or more of the following gifts:
- Acceptance: True mothering starts with loving our children without demands or expectations. And, gently drawing to their attention areas where they are falling short.
- Nourishment: Sustenance, comfort, and care, whether physical or emotional, are components of real motherhood. Chocolate chip cookies after school. A warm blanket on a cold rainy afternoon. A cold cloth on an achy head.
- Instruction: Real mothers teach constantly, showing both by example and by explanation what their children must know in order to live well. How to make proper introductions. How to balance a checkbook. How to be an efficient and “good enough” housekeeper. How to keep your temper in check when other family members are out of control.
- Empowerment: Real mothers are intent on working themselves out of a job, by building into those they mother the courage and confidence needed to become completely independent. They do not allow themselves to become dependent on people being dependent on them.
Our sense of what a mother is or does is comprised of subtle influences that have dropped into our “mother basket” over time.
Step Two: Face up to your motherless self.
Look into your “mother basket.” Do a “searching and fearless inventory” on what did not work in your own particular mothering experience. And what DID work.
In my evaluation of my own Mom, I found a bit of both. The good of my mother I took for granted. The bad I considered my right to hold against her. I also used it as an excuse when I didn’t want to do the work of letting “her stuff” go and getting on with the business of growing myself up.
Ask yourself:
In what area in my life do I wish I could be more adept? What are the gaps that need filling? Do I need social skills? Financial acumen? A sense of my own sexuality? Do I need to learn how to listen? How to speak up?
Do I have a critical mother-voice in my head telling me I am stupid, lazy, or telling me I will never be able to do THAT?
Do I dare trust a woman to be there for me? Do I have a hard time making friends with women?
Step Three: Patch together your ideal mother.
After identifying the situations where you need more mothering, commit to finding people who can offer you acceptance, nurturing, instruction and empowerment in those areas.
I have had a covenant group of 5 women, part sister, part mentor, part mother.
They give me acceptance. Especially when I have done something really stupid. “That was a terrible situation. Do you think you could ‘keep the lesson and throw away the experience?”
Nurturing: “Sure I’ll come over and help you organize your new kitchen.” Or, “I know how tired you are. Let me bring you supper.”
They give me Instruction: “Don’t you think it would be wise to get a second opinion.” Or, “I’d love to teach you how to knit.”
Empowerment: We give each other encouragement to follow our own dream. As a result of the group’s encouragement; one of us has resumed piano lessons. One has received her broker’s license and gone to work with her husband. One has earned her BA in English Lit and is tutoring in a local high school; while submitting articles for Christian magazines. One is surviving a recent widowhood.
We cheer each other on with lots of, “You can too do that!” and “Atta Girl!”
In this setting we are finishing the work our mothers couldn’t or wouldn’t do. Creating the Mail Order Mom we always wanted. Making us into complete, mature Christian women.
Adapted from an article by Martha Beck, “O” May 2003
Dive into more of Carolyn’s helpful and encouraging wisdom, The One Thing Busy Women Desperately Need and Can’t Make Happen
To learn more about the author please visit Carolyn Dunn Coaching
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