6. Seek radical changes. Another fundamental error couples make when trying to reconcile after adultery is to only make superficial changes in their relationship. However, this is very foolish because when only cosmetic changes occur several consequences result. First, both partners realize that nothing fundamental has changed and therefore one or both partners will lose hope that things will ever be different. Without hope there is no motivation to do the work necessary to alter the relationship. Both partners then begin to retreat back into their old habits and the marriage returns to the way it was before the adultery occurred. If this is happening in your relationship right now, read this section to your mate and choose to make the changes necessary. Remember, the rebuilding process will require a daily labor of love that requires humility, honesty, denying selfish desires, and hard work to reconcile (1 Thess. 1:3; Matt. 16:24; 1 Peter 5:5-6).
If you want the best for your marriage ask God for a heart to radically repent. Paul taught that when you repent you should “turn to God, and do works befitting repentance” (Acts 26:20). The works that are befitting real repentance will always be radical. The word repent means to completely change your mind and heart about your sinful behavior and reverse directions. This means not only turning from the sin, but also fully turning your heart toward God. The Father’s help and power are your only hope for the radical changes necessary. If this is what you want, first cry out to God for His Spirit to come and flood your heart and ask Him for the power to completely reversed direction from your past behaviors (Luke 11:13). Then, keep the promises you’ve made to your spouse to change whatever has been lacking in your relationship. Only these steps will ensure a complete healing in your marriage.
7. Renew your relationship. Jesus gave a simple and yet profound insight into how to renew your first love with Him. He said, “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place–unless you repent” (Rev. 2:4-5). Jesus wanted His people to begin this renewing process by remembering what it was like when they fell in love with Him, repenting, and returning to the behaviors of that first love experience.
Therefore, if you want to renew your relationship with your spouse, apply this counsel to your marriage. Remember what it was like when you first met and fell in love. Ask God to forgive you for your selfishness, pride, and whatever has divided your relationship. Then go back and begin spending time with your spouse the way you used to when you first met. Take some walks together, make time for meaningful daily communication, start dating each other again, bring a special gift home, or leave a love note with some heartfelt words of your commitment and care.
Ultimately, your renewed love for one another is one of the best ways to know that you have made the radical changes necessary to truly restore your relationship. Look at the level of intensity in your love for one another. Has the romantic attraction returned? Can you hardly wait to see one another at the end of the day? Do you long to spend time with one another? If the repentance between you has been sincere, if you have dealt with the real issues in your relationship that have divided you, then the love should return. If not, determine why it hasn’t by identifying what still needs to occur, and if need be speak to your counselor about this issue.
Another essential aspect to renewing your relationship is the need to trust your mate again. If you are the offended partner, I realize that your trust has been shattered and you are probably thinking, I trusted once, how could I ever commit myself again like that? I agree that restoring trust is difficult, but it can be done! How? Fundamentally, trust can only be rebuilt after all of the issues previously discussed in this article are whole-heartedly addressed in the marriage. It will take time. However, as you persevere and work at restoring your relationship the love between you will be renewed. Love is the key to trusting again. Paul declared this quality about love: “Love … believes all things” (1 Cor. 13:4-7).
COVENANT KEEPERS © 2014
Want to see more from Pastor Steve Carr? Check out Rebuilding Your Relationship After Infidelity – Part 3.
For a more in-depth look at learning how to trust again please refer to, “Re-establishing Trust In Your Relationship” at www.covenantkeepers.org.
If you would like more information on the marriage ministry of Pastor Steve Carr or his book Married and How To Stay That Way, please visit us on the Internet at www.covenantkeepers.org
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