Tenderness in your heart will always come as you consider God’s forgiveness in your life.
How do you actually forgive one another?
1. Ask God to open your eyes to your own sin. This is a truth that I personally have found to help me forgive quickly. Many times the real problem with unforgiveness is that of self-righteousness. We think, “How could he or she have ever done this to me?” forgetting that we also have sinned against our spouse many times. We can’t see the plank in our own eye which definitely distorts the view of our husband’s or wife’s sin. Jesus said, “First, remove the plank from you own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).
Therefore, the quickest way to become a person who forgives easily is to ask God to reveal to you your own sin as well as His abundant forgiveness toward you. Once you have seen the plank in your own eye, your attitude toward your mate will change dramatically. This is how Jesus taught Peter to forgive seventy times seven. He told Peter a story of a man who was required by his lord to repay an impossible debt. He asked his lord if he would have patience so that he could repay everything. But his lord, instead, was moved with compassion and chose to release him by forgiving the entire debt. This servant who had been forgiven then went out and refused to forgive another man a very small debt. His lord returned and asked him, “Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?” (Matthew 18:33).
This is a good question to ask yourself. If you truly see how much God has forgiven you, should you not show the same compassion toward your spouse? Ask God to open your eyes to your own sin and the magnitude of His forgiveness in your own life. This will give you a more tender heart towards your mate. The Apostle Paul also associates tenderness of heart with the understanding that you also have been forgiven. He said, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 underline added). Tenderness in your heart will always come as you consider God’s forgiveness in your life. Stop right now and think about how much God has forgiven you. However, don’t let this be a one-time reflection, but make it the daily meditation of your heart.
With these practical guidelines, I am assuming that you have already received the forgiveness of Christ in your own life. If you have not yet received the forgiveness offered by Jesus, this is where you must begin. Without first receiving the Father’s forgiveness, you will have no access to God’s power to enable you to take the actions described here. God loves you and wants to help you reconcile your marriage, but you must first be reconciled to Him. Before you read any further, please consider your own need of God. Humble yourself before Him and ask Him to forgive your sins and take over your life. Scripture says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). The Apostle John said of Jesus, “as many as receive Him, to them He gave the right to become the children of God, to those who believed in His name” (John 1:12).
2. Ask God for a willing heart. Many times this is one of the simplest reasons why you refuse to forgive. It’s that you just don’t want to forgive; you would rather nurse the resentment and punish your spouse for his or her offense. This is especially true with long-term conflicts that surface over and over again. Your heart grows harder, and your willingness to forgive decreases with each occurrence.
Once you see your own sin, you now need to ask God for a willing heart to forgive. He will give it to you if you will just ask. Remember, “…it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13). It is God’s good pleasure that you forgive your spouse, so ask Him to begin His work to make you willing. Don’t wait any longer, it will never be any easier than it is right now.
This is part two of a series on “Forgiveness in Marriage” by Pastor Steve Carr. Part one can be found here.
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