Ever Tried Helping and Ended Up Being Criticized? Drat!
Perhaps you’re predisposed to helping others. You’re efficient and a pro at finding easier ways to do common tasks. Wouldn’t most people appreciate that kind of information? Well . . . actually . . . No!
The third time I told my grown son to heat up the frying pan before putting in the eggs, he did this funny jerky thing with his head and shoulders and was cranky the rest of the morning. But, I was JUST trying to help!
There are times when it is best to allow people to do things in their own style at their own pace.
Which is not to say, however, that you never share your wisdom. But, share one time. ONE. TIME. ONLY.
So, When Should We NOT Share Our Hard Won Expertise and Help?
- When working through a problem on their own provides a learning experience.
Let the four-year-old struggle to twist the lid off his bottle. After a period of time say, “If you need help, Sammy, you may ask.” Then go back to your business. Immediately.
Let the student wrestle with the math problem. You may have been a whiz in algebra. That was then. This is now. Say, “You really do have persistence Kathryn. Keep at it. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I have confidence in you that you will get the answer.”
Your friend, Mary, the chairman of the committee has set the buffet table. You want to help her by rearranging all the dishes. Don’t. Let her learn that lesson from somebody else. Save your friendship. And who’s to say your arrangement’s better?
- When unsolicited advice could imply: “You can’t figure this out on your own.”
Sometimes a friend just needs to vent. Sometimes she figures things out as she speaks. There is a saying, “I don’t know what I think until I hear what I have to say.” Let her say it. Let her figure it out.
If someone is speaking to you about a problem, find out how they want you to listen. Ask, “How do you want me to listen to you. Do you need support? Advice? Or just a listening ear?” A listening ear is a great gift. It is honoring and helpful. It says, “I trust you in this tough time to know what’s best for you.”
When I’m unloading a frustrating day to my husband, there is a particular sentence that turns the conversation from informational to confrontational. Make note of this and never start here: “You just need to . . . “ Enough said.
- When someone says, “I don’t know what to do.” This does not necessarily mean they are asking for advice.
They may be only taking a survey. Therefore, don’t get bent out of shape if you find they end up doing the opposite of what you advised them.
Provide help in stages.
- Listen.
- Empathize and express concern.
Then if asked:
- Give your opinion.
- Provide advice.
- Offer assistance.
Start at the top of the list and move to the next step only when necessary.
Want to see more from Carolyn? Check out her recent article Are You Treating Yourself Poorly in These 3 Ways?
Carolyn Dunn coaches busy women who are time starved, disorganized and distracted balance a productive work life with a peaceful and nurturing home life. Instead of struggling with overwhelm, procrastination and time management issues they can learn to say “goodbye” to chaos, and “hello” to sanity. Carolyn has a strong Christian background and a Fuller Seminary Masters degree in theological studies as well as marriage and family ministries. She is actively involved in planning large conferences as well as small retreats, and has been the speaker at many seminars and workshops.
To learn more about the author please visit Carolyn Dunn Coaching.
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