Growing in Harmony With Your Spouse – Part I

When you first met your spouse, you had a mutual attraction to one another because of certain similarities. Perhaps you met while involved in an activity which seemed to indicate that you had some mutual interests and goals. You dated, fell in love, and married.  However, after marriage something changed. You began to see that you also had many differences which created conflicts and division between you. At this point, you began to realize that you needed to make certain adjustments to regain the companionship and unity that you previously enjoyed. One of the greatest desires any married couple has is to experience love, harmony, and real companionship with one another. But, the question is, how can you regain companionship and grow in greater harmony in your relationship? What are some practical steps you can take to reach this goal? Let’s look at the general principles that will enable you to find harmony.

There is one principle that stands out and is repeated many times in Scripture: the principle of agreement.  To find the harmony you desire, you must seek agreement with your mate as the means to the goal of harmony and true companionship in your marriage. With every issue that arises and every decision that is made, God wants you to seek agreement with your spouse. This principle was taught by Paul when he spoke of decision-making in the most intimate aspect of marriage, the sexual union. He said, “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:5). The word consent in this passage means to harmoniously agree.

If Scripture teaches that we are to find harmonious agreement in the most intimate decision within our relationship, how much more should we seek agreement in the more general areas of our marriage? The pursuit of agreement with your spouse over all of your differences will produce harmony and should be a fundamental goal of your daily relationship together.

This biblical principle of agreement is also a necessity in your relationship with God. The Father revealed this desire when He asked His rebellious people through the prophet Amos, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3) The obvious answer to this question is no. We cannot walk with the Father unless we are in agreement with Him. This agreement must begin at the point of salvation as John taught, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). The word confess in this passage means to agree with. God requires us to agree with Him concerning our sinful behavior before we can begin to walk with Him. When we finally yield to God’s truth and agree with Him, there is an instant harmony and oneness that results. If harmony is to continue, we must continue to confess and agree with Him throughout our Christian walk.

If you desire harmony and oneness with your spouse, finding agreement is the means to this goal. Without agreement there can be no lasting harmony between you. Therefore, in each of the areas of conflict you are experiencing right now, ask yourself if this is your desire. Are you seeking to find agreement together or are you only seeking your own way? God doesn’t want you living in a tumultuous atmosphere but a harmonious one, and finding agreement is the only way to get there.

How can you find agreement with each other?

When you have differences that divide you there is only one way to find agreement and restore the harmony you desire, and that is by finding a compromise with one another. Compromise is achieved when both partners make concessions that enable them to find middle ground.

Some people look at compromise as if it is a dirty word, a violation of some cardinal virtue. Yet, the real question is not if you should compromise, but what should you compromise. God definitely does not want us to compromise over biblical or moral issues that are clearly revealed in His Word. Scripture is clear that we are to have “no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness” (Eph. 5:11). We are commanded not to “touch the unclean thing” (2 Cor. 6:17). However, when it comes to non-moral or non-biblical issues, the Bible teaches: “Let each be fully convinced in his own mind” (Rom. 14:5). In nonessential issues God gives us the freedom to make up our own minds, but we are also warned not to judge or offend our brothers by our attitudes, decisions, or lifestyle. Paul said not to “do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak” (Rom. 14:21). He declared that if we fail in these things we “are no longer walking in love” (Rom. 14:15).

Therefore, if the issues that divide you are not moral or biblical ones, you can and should find agreement through compromise. If, for example, there are two equally moral and valid activities to choose from for an evening out, why not compromise by doing one this week and the other next week? This would show love and consideration for both desires.

But you may be thinking, what are the practical steps to finding compromise? It is easy to say that compromise is necessary, but how can you actually find it?

Read more of Pastor Steve Carr’s wisdom on marriage in his series What is the Purpose and the Ultimate Goal of Marriage?