3. Keep talking. So often when a compromise is needed, couples give up too soon by simply failing to talk about the problem. When communication over an issue ceases, anger and frustration will always increase. It would be much easier if the couple would simply sit down and talk the issue through. Many times your mate will tell you what is an acceptable compromise in the midst of such a conversation. Haven’t you ever heard your spouse say to you in the middle of a disagreement, “Honey, if you would have just done this I wouldn’t have been angry,” or, “Next time, could we please do this?” This is your compromise.
Communication is always an important key to a creative compromise. Yes, it is difficult to talk about some issues, especially ones that you have disagreed about many times before, but it is absolutely essential that you keep talking if a compromise is to be reached. It’s easy to murmur and complain to your friends or other family members about how inflexible your spouse is, but this action is sinful and destructive to your entire relationship. Rather, you should take the issue directly to your mate and ask for an opportunity to discuss it.
A great illustration of the benefit of direct communication is seen in the early church. When the number of disciples was multiplying, there arose a conflict between the Hebrew and Grecian widows. It appears that the Grecian widows were being neglected in the daily support that the church was giving. At first these widows only murmured and complained about the problem with no solution. Then someone decided to communicate the problem directly to the apostles and the problem was immediately resolved. It was a simple compromise of appointing seven men to care for these widows. It was also a very creative and wise compromise because, as you read the list of men they appointed in Acts 6:5, you will notice that all seven names are Greek. What a sensible and fair compromise this was to have Greek oversight of Greek widows. This concession solved the problem and it “pleased the whole multitude” (Acts 6:5).
Therefore, if there is an issue in which you have not found a compromise, go back to the conference table and begin to talk again. Be ready to discuss where you are willing to give and where you may need to ask forgiveness. Remember, the Lord never stops seeking to talk and reason with you about the issues that He wants to change in your life. He is persistent in this effort. He says “Come now, and let us reason together” (Is. 1:18). Why not take the same action toward your loved one? As you continue to communicate with your spouse, you will gain the needed insight and understanding that will enable you to find a compromise. If you are repeatedly rejected in your request to talk the issue through, it may be time to get a third party involved to help the communication just as the widows did in the early church.
4. Keep praying. After you have talked an issue through and you are still struggling in obtaining agreement, you can pray. The reason prayer is so important in finding a compromise is because it is where you give God the opportunity to reveal your heart and motivation. Prayer helps you to examine yourself as to whether you are truly willing to give or not. Many times couples can argue back and forth with good sounding arguments for why this or that should be done. Yet, in reality, the real reason for these hard fought positions is just selfishness. Be assured that when selfishness reigns in the heart, no compromise will ever be found.
Therefore, when you pray, ask God to reveal to you and your spouse the true motivation of your hearts. Scripture declares that “the Lord searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts” (1 Chron. 28:9). God spoke to Jeremiah pleading with him: “Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know” (Jer. 33:3). If God knows every intent of your heart, He can surely reveal it to you. If you are willing, prayer will bring the personal revelation you need.
Prayer not only helps you to see your own heart but it also helps you to see the issue from God’s perspective. When you pray you will naturally draw near to Him as David discovered, “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth” (Ps. 145:18). As you draw near to God He draws near to you. He begins to fill you with His Spirit and the fruit of His love. This motivates and softens your heart, which makes you more open to His Word and His wisdom regarding your circumstances.
Don’t ever underestimate the power of prayer to help you find a compromise. Ask God to reveal your motivations and to fill you with the Holy Spirit to produce the attitude needed to compromise.
But, what happens when only one partner is open to compromise? If only one person is doing all the giving, agreement won’t last very long. Sacrificial love entails give and take by both partners. Notice the reciprocal relationship taught by Paul in his teaching on marriage: “Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church” (Eph. 5:22,25). If the compromising is not reciprocal, the person who always gives will ultimately become offended by the other partner’s lack of love, and strife will resume. Scripture teaches that we are each to “look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4). If both husbands and wives treated each other with the common courtesy afforded other brothers and sisters, agreement and compromise would be easier to find.
If your spouse is not willing to compromise or find agreement regarding the conflicts between you, the issue must be addressed immediately. If your mate continually refuses to give, talk, or even pray about the subject with you, you need to ask your pastor or an elder of the church for help and counseling.
Find more on Pastor Steve Carr’s advice in this series here Growing in Harmony with Your Spouse – Part II
If you would like more information on the marriage ministry of Pastor Steve Carr or his book Married and How To Stay That Way, please visit Covenant Keepers
Excerpt republished with permission from Covenant Keepers by Pastor Steve Carr, Copyright 2013
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