This is part four of a series on conflict resolution in marriage by Pastor Steve Carr. Part three can be found here.
9. Tell your partner with the proper attitude and motive what action or attitude has offended you.
After you have taken the above steps, you may now state your case if your spouse has not already confessed his or her own faults. This must be done with gentle words as opposed to harsh words. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
The last thing you want to do at this point is to stir up more anger. Come with soft words of reconciliation as you discuss how your mate has offended you. There are always two sides to a conflict. Both sides must be dealt with completely.
When Jesus taught His disciples about resolving conflicts, He gave them a goal. He said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15). The goal is to gain your brother, and this means you must come with that attitude and desire. If you come with yelling, finger-pointing, and accusations, merely venting your own frustrations, the results will be far from profitable, and you won’t gain a right relationship with your spouse.
10. Find agreement through compromise.
The goal on the vertical plane is to please God; the goal on the horizontal plane is to find an agreement. Remember the command of Jesus we looked at earlier to “agree with your adversary” (Matthew 5:25)? Agreement is found as you choose to give in and compromise in areas in which you have been stubbornly selfish. This will please God and demonstrate love toward your mate.
The Prophet Amos asked the question, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3). Amos was reproving God’s people for their disobedience and unwillingness to agree with God about their sin. The Apostle John believed the same. He said, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins…” (1 John 1:9) The word “confess” means to “agree with.” When you confess your sins, you are agreeing with God, and this enables you to walk with Him. God will never force His will upon you. He waits for you to come into agreement with Him.
The same thing is true with your spouse. When you both confess your faults, you find immediate agreement together. This agreement is what enables you to find a lasting compromise where you have previously demanded your own way. Compromise is loving agreement to give, not demand. Forcing and imposing your will, is nothing but pride and selfishness on your part. This will reconcile nothing between you!
11. Take action even if your spouse will not.
This is what God did with you. He demonstrated “His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8) Christ took the action of love even when we were still in rebellion against Him. If we are to love others as He has loved us, then we must do the same (John 13:34).
When you take action to love and change what you’re doing wrong, this brings powerful encouragement to provoke your spouse to love you and to change too (Hebrews 10:24). Jesus said, “Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them…” (Matthew 7:12). Apply this principle to your marriage. How do you want your spouse to act toward you? Take this action toward him or her. Take this action today!
12. What should you do if your spouse doesn’t respond?
Be patient, pray, and don’t give up! Some people take longer to respond than others. This, again, is the posture that God has taken toward you. He is “longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9). So also, “you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise” (Hebrews 10:36).
You must be patient because most heated arguments are not resolved by just one conversation. If you wait and pray and there is still no response after a short time, go again and ask your mate to consider the issues you have previously discussed. Continue to pray that God would cause your loved one to yield to the truth and take action. If your partner brings other issues to you in which you have been offending, follow the above steps again.
Remember God’s love continually seeks reconciliation with man. His love in you will do the same! Seek reconciliation!
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