Hand Your Son His Manhood

Here is a life-changing insight I discovered when my adolescent son began fight me every time I assigned him a chore.

THE PROPER PERSPECTIVE OF WORK

To teach your son the difference between laboring for God’s glory and idolizing his career for his own prestige is no easy task.

Work–in its proper perspective–is a good thing. The Lord made men to enjoy vocation. But how do you teach your son to enjoy working in order to raise a man who will one day enjoy providing for his family?

If you teach your son a proper perspective of work, it will serve as the foundation of his work ethic throughout his adult life. The book of Proverbs is a wonderful place to turn to for principles that will help instill a God-honoring attitude toward work.

THE DITCHDIGGER

My husband, Steve, has always been a hard worker. I know how much he enjoys seeing his finished accomplishments after a day of labor. But I never really understood how deeply men gained satisfaction from doing a good day’s work until our son Brandon was about 12 years old.

We live on a ranch in Northern California. There are always chores to be done, and when Brandon was in middle school, I would try to get him to help out with the tasks that needed to be done.

However, it was during this same time that Brandon was working through his – how shall I say this nicely? – moody years of adolescence. So there were days when Steve came home from work to find me in tears.

Usually the conflicts my son and I had were over things of little significance. But as an adolescent attempting to become a man, Brandon didn’t appreciate his momma telling him what to do. (At the time, I was heartbroken that my momma’s boy was clearly pulling away from me.)

Anyway, one evening when Steve arrived home, he decided he’d had enough of my tears and Brandon’s attitude. I cringed as Steve called Brandon to come downstairs. (It was weird –there was a part of me that wanted my husband to intervene and be my knight-in-shining-armor. But there was another part of me that wanted to protect my little boy from the strong correction I knew he would incur from his father, even though I knew Brandon deserved a good reprimand.)

As Brandon came downstairs, he looked at me silently as if to say, “What did you tell dad?” I couldn’t help but feel guilty, as if I had somehow betrayed him. Have you ever had the same feelings?

Steve started off with, “ Boy, I will not come home to my wife in tears because you won’t do what you’re told.”

I was thinking, Okay, I’m liking where this is going so far.

Steve went on, “This is my wife, and I will not allow anyone to disrespect her. Do you understand?”

Brandon nodded.

Steve explained, “From now on, you don’t have to answer to your mom for any of the chores around the house.”

Brandon put out his chest, and almost smiled with relief at the prospect of not having to be under my “unreasonable rule”.

Steve then added, “But boy, now you answer to me, and I am not as easy to work for. I also won’t accept excuses. Tomorrow I want you to take a pick and shovel, and begin digging a ditch from the house to the shed. I want it deep because I am going to run electrical wires through the ditch.” Then he concluded, “You get up first thing tomorrow, and you get to work. And I don’t want your mother to remind you. In fact, she is not involved in this at all. You work for me. Got it?”

Again, Brandon nodded.

The next morning, before Steve left for work, he reminded me, “You are not to be involved. If he does not do the work, I will deal with it when I get home. Don’t remind him. Don’t even address it.”

When Brandon came downstairs, he was dressed in work clothes. He quietly ate his breakfast, then went outside to begin working. He worked for most of the day. When he came inside, I was expecting him to complain about how hard the ground was and how difficult the labor had been.

I thought he might even blame me for selling him out to his father, thus incurring the hard labor. But to my surprise, Brandon had a huge smile on his face. He said, “Wow, I really got a lot done. Come see how far I have dug!”

Brandon’s sisters and I went out to look and we celebrated the wonderful job he had done.

When Steve came home, Brandon was much more cool about his accomplishment. He waited until his father asked him if he had worked on the ditch, then offered to take his dad outside to see how far he had gotten. The two men went outside. From in the house I could hear Steve’s words of encouragement for a job well done.

Then, to my surprise, Brandon said, “Just wait until tomorrow. I will get even farther!” He then added, “Can I borrow some work gloves? My hands are blistered, and I have to play guitar for worship on Sunday.”

Brandon’s response to all this hard work surprised me. I had fully expected him to grow frustrated, even angry, with each swing of the pick into the hard ground. After all, his assignment had come in the form of discipline.

Instead, each evening, he came into the house tired and satisfied, eager to show his father his progress. This response gave me a glimpse into how God has created men to find a sense of accomplishment in a good day’s work. And how important his father’s affirmation was to him.

You should have seen how excited Brandon was when he took Steve out to survey the finished project. He could hardly wait for the next morning, when Steve would show him how to run the conduit through the ditch, and teach him to pull the wire that would bring power to the shed.

On the day the lights were turned on in the shed, by the whoops and hollers coming from the yard, you would have thought Steve and Brandon were lighting a great palace!

Because God created men to derive satisfaction from a job well-done, your son should be assigned age-appropriate tasks that allow him to cultivate a sense of responsibility.

When your son reaches adolescence, if possible, allow his father to be the one he answers to in the work arena. Surrendering the authority over your son’s chores to his dad provides a way for your son to learn his work ethic from a male role model. (And if his father is not in the picture, ask the Lord to lead you to a godly man who can teach your son how to work.)

Hand your son his manhood or he will fight you for it. By adjusting your involvement to become the one who celebrates your son’s accomplishments you will likely draw him to you, because you have removed the struggle between you and your son as he strives to become a man. *

*Excerpt from Moms Raising Sons to Be Men.