Jack Watts’ weekly column is aimed at helping those who have been wounded, including those who have been abused by the church. If you are in pain—or if someone you know is in pain—you will find real comfort, wisdom, and many answers right here. Based on his book, Recovering from Religious Abuse, published by Simon & Schuster, Jack will teach you the value of working the “11 Steps to Spiritual Freedom.” Remember, recovery is a process—not a destination. The answers are simple but not always easy. Look to the Lord and allow His Spirit to heal you.
Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health—Carl Jung
Shortly after being abused, most people make a decision to throw God out of their lives, as well as their abusers. In the mind of those who have been wounded, God is part of the abuse.
In this thought process, people reason in the following way: God didn’t abuse me, but He didn’t stop it either, which He should have. I didn’t deserve this, but He let it happen to me.
This is exactly what they believe, whether they are willing to admit it or not. For a long time after being wounded, abused people continue to drift away from God, rarely giving Him a second thought—and definitely not a second chance. This period of bitterness and rebellion can last for a few months or for decades, depending on the depth of a person’s wounding and stubborn willfulness.
Then, at some point, the abused person’s life falls apart, and he or she has no recourse but to try and reconnect with God. When this happens, they try to do it on their terms and not God’s, which they think will work, but it never does. During this period of flux, one day they want God to be near, while the next day they want Him to leave them completely alone. Acting like a petulant preschooler, they alternate between demanding that God answer their prayers, while insisting on looking the other way when He does. It’s an immature, poorly thought out strategy that is ineffective, but people do it all the time.
It’s not until a person finally bottoms out and admits that they are responsible for putting their lives together again that God is free to work in a restorative manner. When they reach this point—and not before, complete recovery becomes possible. Have you reached this spot, or do you need to remain bitterly defiant for a while longer? If you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, join me in this prayer:
Father,
I don’t just think I’ve been mistreated,
I know I have been mistreated.
And You know I’ve been wronged as well.
I’ve told You what happened repeatedly.
Everybody in my life knows my story, too.
Now that it has been a while since my abuse,
Everybody else seems to have continued
With their lives—everybody except for me.
I know my mind is still stuck in
Debilitating and destructive thinking,
Which has not changed appreciably,
Despite so much time having passed.
It’s infuriating and unfair that I’m the one
Who has experienced so much pain.
They should be the ones to pay, but they haven’t.
I’m the one that continues to languish.
But I know that by refusing to change,
I’m not hurting them—not one bit.
I’m only hurting myself and those who care about me.
It’s not fair—not fair at all,
But I can’t live like this any longer; I just can’t.
I don’t want to waste my life harboring resentment,
Rehashing my drama over and over in my mind,
But it’s going to be difficult to get back on track.
I know that I’ve drifted so far from You, Father.
I didn’t realize how willful I had become,
But now I do. It becomes clearer each day.
I have blamed others for my plight for so long,
That bitterness seems normal—even comfortable,
Which frightens me for what lies ahead.
Help me find my way back to You.
Thank You, Father, amen.
Refer to Step 3: I accept that the responsibility for getting back on track is mine and no one else’s.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let you mind dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8)
To see more on recovery, check out The 11 Steps to Recover from Religious Abuse.
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