How to Develop Greater Compatibility With Your Spouse – Part I

People often misunderstand the subject of spousal compatibility. I’ve come to this conclusion for several reasons. First, because couples make statements to me such as: “All we do is fight. This proves that we are not compatible…we don’t even like the same things. I don’t understand what motivated me to marry this person.” Sometimes one partner will end by saying, “I think I married the wrong person.”

Do you feel this way about your mate? Has the thought run through your mind that incompatibility has driven a wedge between you and your spouse and the time has come to search for someone new? Do you believe that you married the wrong person?

My observation

For nearly 30 years I have spoken with couples having various problems. I’ve counseled individuals who have scored extremely high on premarital tests that measure compatibility, but divorced in a relatively short period of time. I have also observed couples who seemingly held very little in common yet enjoyed fantastic marriages. This puzzled me for years. The reality of this seemingly obvious contradiction drove me to re-think my definition of compatibility.

Today I believe compatibility must be determined not by how many things a couple has in common, but how they resolve the things they don’t have in common. In other words, differences do not dictate incompatibility any more than a high score on a standardized test ensures compatibility. The real test of compatibility culminates in this question: Are you willing to work through your differences in order to develop the compatibility you desire?

How can you develop compatibility?

1. The big picture. The first thing you need to do is to step back from your relationship and see the big picture. Many times couples battle over their differences because they can’t distinguish the forest from the trees. Unfortunately, the few diseased trees in front of them often overshadow the rest of a healthy forest. Make sure that your view of your relationship includes the whole picture. Quite often couples tell me that they believe they have nothing in common and lack companionship, when in reality they share much common ground.

At this point in counseling I usually give couples a companionship worksheet (found on page 29 of my book entitled Married And How To Stay That Way) to help them identify the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship. Many of them are surprised at the areas that they do have in common. I also explain that it is very possible to develop greater commonality, companionship, and compatibility, if a couple is willing to do some hard work.

General Similarities

An accurate view of this big picture begins with the understanding that Scripture reveals important similarities between you and your mate. James taught that we all have a similar nature with its weaknesses and frailties (James 5:17). We all have common temptations and struggles (1 Cor. 10:13). As sinners, we all have a similar need before God (Rom. 3:23). In addition, each of us must be forgiven and saved the same way by placing our faith in Christ (Rom. 3:22). Each of us has “obtained like precious faith” to draw us to God (2 Peter 1:1). Most importantly, by the grace of God, we can all become like-minded with one another if we will yield to the power of His Spirit (Rom. 15:5) (Rom. 5:5). Now you may be thinking, But if we are so similar to one another why do we struggle so often? The answer is, because we are also very different from each other.

General Differences

Think for a moment about these differences. Physically men and women are obviously created very different from one another. However, God did not do this to create conflict, but only that we might be a compliment to each other. Men and women have different hormones flowing through their veins to aid in these physical differences and functions. In addition, we all have come from different families with different personalities, different likes and dislikes, and different goals in life.

Yet these differences do not have to create conflicts. It is only when a couple focuses on these differences, allowing selfishness and stubborn pride to reign, that conflicts occur (Prov. 28:25). The Pharisee and the tax collector show us how a prideful heart focuses only on differences. You may remember: The Pharisee prayed, “God, I thank You that I am not like other men–extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector” (Luke 18:11).  Notice that the pride of the Pharisee focused on the superficial differences rather than on the similar need for God.

Focus on the big picture, which always includes your similar needs, and your heart will be kept from the pride and arrogance that magnify your differences.

For more godly advice on marriage, you might also enjoy Identifying Danger Zones in Your Marriage

Excerpt republished with permission from Covenant Keepers by Pastor Steve Carr, Copyright 2013.