2. Develop your spiritual life. Developing compatibility with your mate requires a unifying power that is beyond any of our natural strengths or common goals. This unifying influence is the power of God’s love to unite two hearts. However, the greatest stumbling block to possessing His powerful love is the choice many couples make to not walk close to the Lord. This independence from God naturally cuts a person off from the direct benefit of His love and power. Are you convinced that only the love of Christ can enable you to give unselfishly? If you choose to not walk in the Spirit and not to allow Christ to control you, then you can be assured that you have only one alternative. That is to be ruled by your fleshly nature. I will guarantee you that this will not yield the outcome you desire.
Another aspect to this spiritual struggle is when one spouse has a sincere walk with Christ and the other partner does not. This creates a division similar to that, which occurred among the twelve spies who went into the Promised Land. Ten spies saw their circumstances totally different from the other two, Joshua and Caleb. Why? Scripture is clear about the reason for this division. God declared that Caleb had, “a different spirit in him and has followed Me fully” (Num. 14:24). This difference automatically caused Caleb, who was a man of faith, to see things very differently from the other spies. His commitment to God and His Word caused the difference and division between them. However, Caleb had complete unity and harmony with Joshua, because they both had the unifying influence of similar faith and willingness to follow the Lord at any cost (Num. 14:6, 30).
Similarly, in the New Testament Paul explains how the unifying power of the Spirit could solve the contentions in the Philippian church. “Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind” (Phil. 2:1-2). Notice that Paul reminded them that it was the fellowship of the Spirit that would create the like-mindedness and bring them into one accord.
Therefore, if you desire to develop greater compatibility and like-mindedness with your spouse, begin by sincerely turning to Christ. Ask Him to forgive you for your hardness of heart and to fill you with His love. Bow in prayer with your spouse and ask God to unite your hearts again with a willingness to work out your differences.
Like-mindedness begins here. Remember: It’s easy to love those who love you. Anyone can do that. However, true love requires allowing Christ to perfect, mature, and empower you to love those who are hard to love, even your enemies (Matt. 5:43-48). It is possible to love your spouse even if he or she is your enemy at this moment. As you do, God will provoke your mate to do the same (Heb. 10:24). Therefore, knowing these things, why not allow Him to begin His renewing work in your heart right now?
3. Resolve past conflicts. Unresolved conflicts drain compatibility and friendship from marriage. When a couple allows conflicts to remain, it slowly drives them apart and keeps them from experiencing the sweetness of fellowship with one another. When they speak to one another they only spew out bitterness and resentment. Is this the way you communicate with your mate? If you do, you must see your heart like a fountain that is either bringing forth bitter or sweet water. You can’t drink the sweet waters of loving fellowship when you are holding bitterness and resentment over past issues. Bitterness and love cannot proceed from the same heart. James asked a simple question. “Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening” (James 3:11)? The answer is no.
Therefore, reconciliation over past issues will be essential to allowing intimacy, fellowship, and the sense of compatibility to return to your relationship. Remember, Jesus said the fruit of reconciliation was to have “gained your brother” again (Matt. 18:15). Therefore, if you desire to gain your mate again, resolve your outstanding conflicts. How can you do it?
Usually, the first thing I do with couples who come for counseling is ask them for a list of all their unresolved conflicts. I ask each to list these issues in the order of severity. This exercise allows me to gain a clear picture of exactly what is dividing this couple. Then I ask them to list their personal faults and failures in relation to each unresolved conflict. Jesus instructed His disciples that this was the first step to seeing any conflict clearly. He said, “First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:5). Once a couple finishes giving me their faults, I then ask them to turn and confess their personal faults to one another and ask forgiveness (James 5:16) (Mark 11:25-26). Honest and sincere confession usually breaks down most of the major walls between them and brings a flood of tears and hugs.
If you need reconciliation over past unresolved issues, won’t you begin by making your own list today? Then go and acknowledge your faults to your mate. Look your spouse directly in the eyes and sincerely ask your loved one to forgive you. Once you’ve taken these steps, you have cleared one of your greatest roadblocks to developing greater compatibility. Why not start clearing the ground today?
For more godly advice on marriage read How To Develop Greater Compatibility With Your Spouse Part I
Excerpt republished with permission from Covenant Keepers by Pastor Steve Carr, Copyright 2013.
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