Being Honest with Yourself

Let go and let God—AA Slogan

In recovery, not everyone needs to hit rock bottom. In fact, most don’t need to do this. I never did. I neither lost a job because of my drinking nor a romantic relationship. Nevertheless, there came a point when I knew I had to make some fundamental changes in my life.

For me, this moment came when the woman I was dating confronted me about how much my drinking had escalated, especially in the past several months. At first, I was defensive, but that didn’t last long. It couldn’t. She was right.

The conversation that followed, which was more like a confrontation, was pivotal. It made me think long and hard about my conduct. Taking a focused look at my behavior was my first step in recovery. Instead of being dismissive or denying reality, I began to take an honest look at myself, and I didn’t like what I saw.

For quite a while, I knew I had a problem, but I was never willing to admit it—not out loud. By finally doing so, I also admitted that I needed help. I couldn’t make the necessary changes independently. Having tried to moderate my drinking numerous times, consistently failing, I admitted my weakness, which is something that was very difficult for me to do. It always is for a successful man, which I considered myself to be.

By being honest with myself, however, I made a conscious choice to free myself from the shackles of alcoholism that had enslaved me for years. It felt freeing, but it was also very scary. In some ways, I thought my life had ended. Everything I did socially involved alcohol, and I suspected I would become the most boring person in the world without booze.

This was my fear, but it wasn’t what my future became. My life did change though. I replaced fear with faith. I replaced insecurity about my future with principled conviction. I also discarded being a fun guy—often buffoonish—with being a man of wisdom, integrity, and respect. I’m not nearly as social as I once was, but I am like E.F. Hutton. When I speak, people listen, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything, especially the asinine things I used to do, when I was drinking.

If you want to change; if you want to put your self-defeating, childish behavior behind you; if you want to admit who you are and put your painful past in the rearview mirror, join me in the following prayer.

Father,

I’m not the person people think I am.

I’m not nearly as cheerful and happy.

I pretend that things roll off of my back,

But they don’t; they never have.

I want everybody to like me,

But not the real me—just the person

I want others to think I am.

I don’t want them to see how fearful,

Apprehensive, and insecure I really am.

If they did, they wouldn’t like me.

I know they wouldn’t; I’m sure of it.

It’s why I hide my true feelings,

Never allowing others to see the true me.

Father, I can’t go on like this,

Pretending to be someone I’m not,

Drinking more than ever to camouflage

All the pain and hurt in my heart,

But I can’t make the necessary changes to stop—

Not by myself. I need Your active involvement

In every aspect of my life.

Flood me with Your presence.

Fill me with Your Holy Spirit.

Guide me with Your loving hand into a new life—

One filled with good things and not bad.

Teach me once again to depend on You

Like I once did years ago. Thank You, Father,

Amen.

By loving-kindness and truth iniquity is atoned for,

And by the fear of the Lord one keeps away from evil—Proverbs 16:6