My girlfriend, Betty, mother of ten, never referred to her pre-twenty, post-twelve year olds as teenagers; she always referred to them as young adults. Betty’s premise was there is too much negativity associated with the word teenager. Seeking to free them from the stigma, and encourage them into responsible adult years, she created a different title. Now, creating a title doesn’t change a child anymore than calling yourself a Christian creates integrity.
The qualities you desire have to be encouraged, coached, and reinforced with patience and grace. Just like toddlers, young adults need to know where the lines are, be assured they’re solid, and reminded on occasion of the ground rules.
Take the need to find out who you are, the desire to belong, the pressure to fit in, soak it in hormones complete with body changes and acne, and you’ve got a perfect storm for emotional upheaval. This was never more apparent than when I found myself saying to my (then) 14-year-old son, “Give me some grace, Ben; I’ve never had a 14-year-old boy before.” His wise response? “Give me some grace, mom; I’ve never been a 14-year-old boy.”
The challenge is unique to both parties, and both parties will need to extend grace, mercy, communication, and large doses of forgiveness.
I’ve heard it said, “We talk too much to toddlers and not enough to, forgive the phrase, teenagers.” How many times have I heard a mother negotiating with a toddler while he’s in the middle of an emotional demand: “No sweetheart, mommy doesn’t want you to have that/do that thing. This isn’t nice and it hurt’s mommy’s feelings when you act like this, please don’t do that thing, and if you’re good I’ll buy you a lollipop?” And then heard a parent snap at a young adult, “No . . . because I said so!” The newness of parenting often creates a desire to explain everything to little ones, when, in truth, they often need to know that the word “no” is a complete sentence. It’s the young adult who, in turn, may need more explanation and information.
Certainly, there are limits to the types of things which are grounds for discussion with young adults, and times when listening is more important than talking. Giving them time to work through the changes going through their minds and bodies, and continuing to be invested in the coaching of their souls and character, provides the finishing touches to the child we were so invested in during the early years.
There will still be plenty of learning opportunities and wisdom to impart into their lives. Continuing to show them how to act in new social environments – which is a personal passion of mine – is a gift which will continue to give. Pulling out a chair for a young lady, or for that fact, an old lady (like your mom!), holding open the door for the person behind them, giving up their seat in a packed restaurant or any environment when an older person, pregnant lady or someone with a disability enters, are all character lessons they will continue to use and pass on to their own children . . . your well-behaved grand children.
Most importantly, pray for them. Pray for the Lord to reveal their gifts, passions and calling in life. Pray for their relationship with Him, with you and pray for their protection and direction.
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6 NIV
For more great tips on teaching etiquette, you might like Cart Hands
In 1995, Susan transitioned out of pre-hospital care and comedy to pursue a career as a full-time wife and mother. She completed her first book The Fireman’s Wife (Hyperion 2006) after her husband, Dan’s, near fatal accident fighting a fire, and is a regularly sought after inspirational speaker.
Susan’s desire is to support and encourage families of public safety workers who live with the unpredictability of their loved ones career choice and inspire them to walk in faith.
Susan and her family live in Northern California.
To learn more about the author please visit Sue Farren
First of all I would like to compliment the Sonoma Christian Home magazine for the wonderful on line magazine. Beautiful photography, easy to manipuliate the site, and very interesting articles.
The above article written by Ms. Susan Farren, was outstanding! It was very well written and touched the true importance a parent has on their relationship and development of our young adults. I personally do volunteer work with troubled at risk youth, and I always say to myself that they deserved much better from their parents.
Great Work