Biblical Resolutions in Marriage- Part III

This is part three in a series on resolving conflict in marriage by Pastor Steve Carr. Part two can be found here.

6. You must confess your faults instead of blame-shifting.

When there is a conflict between you and your mate, first determine your part in the disagreement.  Is it your attitude, your tone of voice, your actions, or your choice of words that started the conflict?    You should confess these things sincerely before you ever discuss your mate’s faults.  Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?…Hypocrite!  First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3,5).

Honesty is the fastest way to resolve any conflict. Why? Because when you first humbly acknowledge your faults, your spouse doesn’t have to spend all that time trying to convince you what you’ve done wrong. Plus, it’s hypocritical of you to blame your spouse for the whole problem when you can’t even see your own faults.  Notice the hypocrisy of Adam and Eve when they shifted the blame for their own sin.  “The woman you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.” Eve also shifted the blame when she declared, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate” (Genesis 3:12,13).  We can see blame-shifting easily in others, why is it we can’t see our own?

Ask God to search your heart, right now, that you may first see your own faults.  Then, as James says, “Confess your trespasses to one another and pray one for another…” (James 5:16), and you will be amazed at how easily you can resolve your marital conflicts.

7. Take action quickly.

Jesus said, “Agree with your adversary quickly…” (Matthew 5:25).  There are many reasons why this is an essential aspect in conflict resolution.

First, as time passes the facts get distorted.  It isn’t long before you can’t remember who did or said what.  Then the argument may shift to fighting over distorted facts.  This solves nothing.  The best time to solve a conflict is today!

Also, the longer you wait to resolve a conflict, the harder your heart can get.  This is why the author of Hebrews said with urgency, “Today if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion…” (Hebrews 3:7, 8).  Paul also knew this tendency of man’s heart to harden over time and commanded, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath…” (Ephesians 4:26).  In other words, don’t let even one day pass when anger is in your heart.  Don’t go to bed that way!  Resentment and anger in your heart will only harden you more and more, and ultimately will hinder you from solving even the simplest problems.

Don’t be the person who allows weeks, months, or even years to go by without resolving conflicts.  You will always be the loser.

8. Ask forgiveness for your sin.

To forgive is not an option; it is a command.  Jesus said:

Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone,

forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.  

But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses

-Mark 11:25,26.

This statement is all-inclusive; “anything against anyone” would include all that is happening with you and your spouse right now.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling; a choice to please and obey God.  You will never feel like forgiving anyone.  The feeling of forgiveness only comes after you choose to forgive.  No one deserves to be forgiven anymore than you do. Therefore, “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,  just as God in Christ also forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Make the choice right now!  Choose to show mercy and forgive.  Then ask God to forgive you for holding resentment against your mate.  This will enable you to find the solutions you are looking for in your marriage.